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Original text:
Sophie walked slowly down the street, tears still falling on her cheeks on occasion. She didn’t bother to wipe them away, didn’t care who saw. She and Kai rarely fought about anything, so to argue about something so stupid was unlike them. So stupid, Sophie thought.
Why wouldn’t she talk to the Grey Lady about the cult? What was the problem? f the Grey Lady said anything about Sophie’s search for information about her family, that wouldn’t be so bad, would it?
Sophie hadn’t thought she was really hiding anything from Kai until now. But it was clear now that she really did have a secret.
Rewritten text:
Sophie walked slowly down the street, tears falling onto her cheeks. She didn’t wipe them away; didn’t care who saw. All she cared about was Kai. They rarely fought, and to argue about something so stupid was unlike them.
Why wouldn’t she bring Kai to talk to the Grey Lady? Would it be so bad if the Lady brought up Sophie’s family? Would it be so terrible if Kai found out about them?
It couldn’t be worse than the distance between them now. Sophie was realizing just how much her secrets were hurting them both.
Line editing sample
“Overall a compelling start, though it feels like you’re beginning in the middle of the story. Set the scene more thoroughly, and explain why Alex is there, as well as the significance of the place. What does it look like, smell like? Why would he go crabbing there if the area is so sacred? Does he not care, or is it the only option?
You need more detail throughout,. Why is he bringing his family dinner? Is there a reason they can’t feed themselves? Are they poor? This could be a big plot hole if not addressed - who is he and what is his motivation?
The description of the descent into the water needs more work. It’s not clear how he’s being dragged under and why he can’t free himself. Also, what does that look like? How does he feel during something so frightening? What are the sensations, beyond the cold?
Finally, the glass sponge description is vague. We are told they are important because of their rarity, but what do they look like? Does Alex have a connection to them? What is his reaction to seeing them? Set the scene.”